Missing you...

Hello there Grandpa, It's me, your grownup girl.
Thinking of you as usual and missing you today.
It seems like only yesterday, you had to go away.
The leaves have turned once again, it's been seven years today.
Won't it ever get easier, missing you this way?


I think of you fondly and happily many times but on today it is always so much more painful to think of you.  How can it be 7 years and still be so hard?

I miss...your sense of humor, your outlook on life, your laughter, your teasing, and even your rare temper tantrums.  I miss riding with you, watching you work, watching you fish, even watching you play solitare with that worn out deck of cards.  Oh, how I wish I had those cards.  I miss pulling on your big ears and kissing your nose.  I miss our connection and how you got me.  I miss learning from you and being with you.  I miss our family and my childhood.  I miss you.

Embracing

It's no secret that I've been really struggling with my current daily routine. I'm just plumb worn out. I'm not getting enough sleep, I'm struggling to get things done at the end of the day and I'm having a really hard time getting out of bed and wanting to start the new day. My hectic schedule with all three kids in two different participation schools is wearing on me, the workload to make it happen is killing me and I'm finding it harder and harder to want to do it anymore.  And to add to matters, there just has been a little too much unpleasant drama with one of my kids' classes which doesn't help me in wanting to be there.  It's also winter time, cold, rainy, dark earlier....I think I have seasonal affect disorder to boot.

I realize now that I need to make some changes so that I can find my center and find my happiness. I have been doing lots and lots of reading and it's become very clear that I need to let go of attachments that are making me miserable.  I'm a pretty conservative gal that doesn't really like changes.  Heck, I live in the same neighborhoods I was born into and I'm still in contact with most of my kindergarten class.  I stick and have a hard time breaking from decisions I've made.  So just realizing that changes can be made is giving me more hope and frankly it's pretty liberating.  I know whatever school decisions I make my kids will be fine in the long run and if it makes things easier, more managable and doable for me..well, that's a good thing.  I count too.  I'm also realizing I need to live more presently in the moment. Find joy in the present moment. I'm so used to planning for my future happiness and instead I need to focus on just this time, this moment and make every moment precious and meaningful.  Life is really racing by.  I'm really getting that. 

I'm in the midst of making some big changes...I'll let you know how they play out as soon as I can.

Update:
I made the plunge to change schools.  It was heart wrenching because I loved the school but it was becoming too difficult for me to be there anymore.  My daughter will start at this new school in the fall for her last year of preschool.  It's going to be a good change for all of us.  I'm seeing a little bit of sunshine at the end of this tunnel for this school year.  I might just make it through afterall.

3 things I'm grateful for:
1. Having the courage to seek change and follow through
2. The chance to start over
3. Saying goodbye and being okay with it

Reflections

Another year is here. The year 2010. When a new year arrives does it make you as hopeful as me? What is it about a new year? Is it the idea that we get to start again...almost anew even though really we are just putting one foot in front of the other and continuing onward on our path. For me, a new year feels like a small break in the chain, a chance to pause and think for a moment about my life, my path. This year is a big one for me. I'm turning 35 in just a few more months. The number itself gives me cause to pause, not panic necessarily but definately makes me stop and really think about my life, it's purpose and the path I'm on. The year 2009 was not the year that I was hoping it could be. When I stop to think about 2009 as a whole and how I felt in that year I would have to say the underlying emotions was definately sadness, tiredness, and a lot of self questioning on what is the purpose of life....what is the purpose of my life? It's a doozy of a question and so much easier to go back to sticking my head in the sand and just thinking about the to do lists of my day. But I'm afraid that if I don't start to really take seriously this question I'm going to wake up one day out of time and find that all I have accumulated is a lot of to do lists. Is this too serious a topic, I'm wondering now for a blog? Is it making anyone else feel too anxious? I think it shouldn't be anxiety filled but just a question to remind me to think of the whole big picture of my life too.

Gaps

Journaling has been a great way of documenting the every day. It's easier for me to sit down at the end of the month and review what I found was important enough to write about and oddly at the end of the year those will be the moments I most remember. Unfortunately I have to make time to write and in addition think of something note worthy to say.

When life is hectic I find there are gaps. Days turn into weeks and pretty soon months have passed. What have I been upto? What has kept me so busy to be away? Just busy day to day stuff that thought about collectively doesn't seem like much...carpooling to school, school committments and committees, deadlines, bills, appointments, meetings, projects due, playdates, birthdays and parties, new babies. All of this has taken me away and kept me busy too busy to have enough energy to sit and think about my days. So many days pass so quickly.

We are nearing the end of school now and some days it's hard to think back and remember what happened to us in a week. The summer days are getting warmer and longer. My outlook is looking up. I've almost made it through another school year. Hooray for me! Soon, I will have more time in the summer to play and just be. Bubba is already out and in just 7 more school days my oldest will have his kinder year behind him. I hope to have more time for reflection and possibly fill in more of the gaps.

3 Things I'm grateful for:

1. More time with Bubba and Busy Girl now that Bubba's school is out.

2. Having a wonderful time at Bubba's 3's class Culmination Party.

3. More playdates with friends.

New Beginings

Once upon a time there lived a young and handsome man who fell in love with an equally young woman who was light hearted and full of dreams.

They imagined a wonderful life for themselves surrounded by kind family and friends.  They worked hard to build their castle and dreamed of the day they could bless it with children.

As the years passed, three beautiful children, each 2 years younger than the next, found there way to them.  They have survived their children's early babyhood years and gained many super powers to help them on their quest as they find themselves entering the next stages of their young children's lives...school'hood.

In the spirit of the new year, join us on our adventures as we navigate this thing we call life.   Our intentions are true, and we are hopeful for simplicity, community and laughter.  If nothing else our journey to our Happily Ever after will be full of silliness and much Random too. 

Cheers for a grand new year!!